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People Who Are Not Like Me: Gym Edition

February 19, 2009

Barefoot Guy is presumably waiting for yoga class to begin. For about half an hour yesterday, he sat barefoot on top of the 3-foot-tall recycling bin near the nice secluded stretching area. Watching people stretch. With no shoes on. On the recycle bin. Creeeeeper.

Stinky Guy is ALWAYS on the elliptical trainer next to my favorite one (go ahead and add me to your list of weird people for having a favorite elliptical trainer, but it has the best view of the greatest number of TVs, increasing my chances that I can watch Food Network Challenge.) He is also RANK. I understand a little B.O. because hi, it’s a gym. But as far as acceptable public levels of stink, this gentleman’s fragrance is a clear outlier. I switched machines today and watched Anderson and Cooper 360 because I only had a view of one TV.

I’m glad Stinky Guy exists though, because without him I would never have met Laker Fan, who broke just about every (pretend) rule of gym etiquette that exists (in my head) the very first time I saw her.

  1. She came in, still dressed for work, set a towel and a water bottle on the machine next to mine, and proceeded to disappear into the locker room for 10 minutes. My gym has a freakin guarantee that you’ll never have to wait for a machine, which they pretty clearly explain when you sign up.  No need to stake territory like that.
  2. She finally emerges (in a Lakers jersey, purple pants, and 80’s hair), jumps on the elliptical trainer, and stops dead. To no one in particular, but loud enough that I could hear her over my headphones, she exclaims “Peee yoooh, who stinks?” I ignore her, because the only truthful response would have been to point and say “That guy!” and I am not that mean.
  3. She retreats to the locker room, returns with a bottle of raspberry body spray, and proceeds to spray her machine, and a 5 foot radius of air around it. I was definitely mean enough to shoot her a seriously dirty look. The one I usually save for 8th graders talking about incredibly inappropriate things in class (like body shots! But that’s another story!)
  4. Laker Fan: You don’t mind, do you? (What ever gave you that idea?)
    Passive Aggressive Me: It doesn’t bother me, but some people are allergic.
    Laker Fan: (behind her hand, for extra sneakiness) It’s just that THAT GUY STINKS! (Yes, but I doubt that he is lacking in more than one of the 5 senses, so although he apparently cannot smell himself, he can probably HEAR YOU.)

Trainer with a Real Grill. My trainer says he’s a cool guy and I should say hi to him sometime. I have never actually met a person with a grill before, and am concurrently fascinated and intimidated by him. I will probably say hi one day.

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